Gone

I spent so much time alone driving in my car. Looking at the beauty of the trees that passed. Watching how the billowing clouds crowded around the mountain tops. I saw bright blue skies and drove through the fog that fell at midnight. 

I wish I had no destination, so I could get out and smell the brave flowers that grew so close to the road. I wish time didn’t hold me captive, or that it would stand still, so I could dive into the lakes and streams I passed at seventy miles per hour. 

I wish I didn’t have anywhere to be, so I could keep on driving and see the beauty of the world. I wish I had no need for a watch or a phone. I wish no one ever rushed me away from the night sky. I just want to stop and smell the flowers, and leave everything else behind. 

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Don’t Listen

It would be quick. Just a little bit of pain, and then it’s all over. I would never fail again. I would never disappoint again. No more uncontrolled anger. I’d never have to roll out of bed to face the work week again. I could just be gone. 

That’s what my brain screams at me as I drive next to the mountain side. Or as I cross the street. Or when my brother’s gun is left out on the table. It would be so quick. One instant and I’m free of pain. 

But I’d also be free of the all beauty in the world. I would never again buy a Christmas tree while drinking hot chocolate. I would never know how The Walking Dead ends. I’d miss the flowers blooming in the springtime and my nephew’s first words. 

I’d be free of pain, anger, and sadness forever. 

But I’d also be free of joy, love, friendship, the holiday season, my favorite tv shows, music, the sunshine, laughter, traveling the world. I’d be free of life. 

And with all things considered, i think i want to live it. 

Go

You must go to see. 

You have to get in your car and drive until your legs are numb. Then you get out and run, run until you can no longer breathe. Then climb, climb until your arms can no longer lift you. Then you swim, swim until you can no longer keep your head above water. Then you will see. 

But first just go, going is the hardest part.

You must go to see.

In the Trees

I saw the entire world in the tree line. 

Green, yellow, orange and blazing red. 

It was so beautiful it hurt to look away. There was pain in knowing that one day I’d search for them and they would only be found in my memories. 

But for just a moment, I got lost in the vastness. My worry disappeared and my heart fluttered at the view. 

Red, orange, yellow and the calming green. 

I saw the entire world in the tree line.

More than Beautiful 

Teach her to stay away from heavy hands and angry eyes. Show her the difference between love and suffocation. Lift her up and make sure she knows her heart and lungs and fingertips will warn her when something’s not right. Make sure she listens to them. 

Teach her to say no without any hesitation or guilt. Give her confidence and grow in her a love for herself that can never be shaken. Ask her what she wants and make sure she gets what she needs. 

Love her no matter what. Make sure she knows she’s so much more than pretty. She is brave, strong, smart, powerful. She is heard. She is seen. She is known. If she falls, offer your hand but also your heart. 

She is your daughter and she deserves the world. Help her capture it. Nurture the fire that burns inside of her – don’t try to put it out. She is worth the risk of being burnt. 

To him 

He told me I needed help. He said he’d go with me to see a therapist. He said he’d answer all their questions for me. I wanted to ask him what the point of that would be. 

Then I realized, he didn’t care if I got better. He wasn’t saying these things out of love. He wanted this for himself. He wanted me to be fixed so I could be used up by him. 

He didn’t want me to heal and grow. He wanted me to be manageable. He wanted me to greet his family and friends with a smile, even if it never reached my eyes. He just wanted me to be his. 

But I’ll never be his. I’ll never be anyone’s. I have always been my own. I will never be yours, and you will never touch me again. 

I have always been my own.