Hearts

My heart beats

Solely for

You

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Dear Mom

It’s been awhile hasn’t it? Does that make you a little sad? Sometimes I pretend to ignore the pit you’ve left in my stomach. I wonder if it’s the same for you too.

I’ve been through a lot since you’ve last seen me. I dyed my hair pink and cut it all off. I lost my virginity but I lied to the man I lost it to. He said I was so good that there was no way I could be one. But I was. He is still the only man I’ve slept with and I think I’m in love with him. I published a book of poems. I’ve tried a lot of drugs, I didn’t just stick to weed like I said I would. Some really bad drugs mom. Cocaine, ecstasy, molly, pain killers… things you are all too familiar with. I’ve worked as a dispatcher for truck drivers and now I work at Wendys… not exactly moving up but I might be a manager soon. I got a car but stopped making payments on it and a few days ago it got repoed. I still feel a little numb about it. I don’t care about things as much as I should. Life is crazy. So much has happened to me and I sometimes wish I could talk to you about it. Not to the you I knew, but to the you you might have been… if that makes any sense. I’m sorry mom. I’m so sorry your childhood destroyed you. I hate your mom for that. She died recently didn’t she? And I heard aunt Donna has cancer. Did she die yet? Last I heard she had a few months left to live… and that was a few months ago. I’m sorry mom. even though you left me I have to believe you tried your best with the tools you had available to you at the time. I still love you and I miss you. I hope one day you get to meet your nephew. He is sleeping next to me as I write this to you. Please know that I have no hate in my heart for you. I wish you the best and I hope to see you again.

But things change so quickly and I’m sure we are strangers to each other by now. I’m sorry that’s the way it’s turned out. I wonder if you’ll ever read this or if I’ll have the nerve to say any of it out loud.

Goodbye for now.