Lost but still here

I lost you

It was just last night

And even though I woke

With you by my side

I’ve lost you once

And I’ll lose you twice

Dear Mom

It’s been awhile hasn’t it? Does that make you a little sad? Sometimes I pretend to ignore the pit you’ve left in my stomach. I wonder if it’s the same for you too.

I’ve been through a lot since you’ve last seen me. I dyed my hair pink and cut it all off. I lost my virginity but I lied to the man I lost it to. He said I was so good that there was no way I could be one. But I was. He is still the only man I’ve slept with and I think I’m in love with him. I published a book of poems. I’ve tried a lot of drugs, I didn’t just stick to weed like I said I would. Some really bad drugs mom. Cocaine, ecstasy, molly, pain killers… things you are all too familiar with. I’ve worked as a dispatcher for truck drivers and now I work at Wendys… not exactly moving up but I might be a manager soon. I got a car but stopped making payments on it and a few days ago it got repoed. I still feel a little numb about it. I don’t care about things as much as I should. Life is crazy. So much has happened to me and I sometimes wish I could talk to you about it. Not to the you I knew, but to the you you might have been… if that makes any sense. I’m sorry mom. I’m so sorry your childhood destroyed you. I hate your mom for that. She died recently didn’t she? And I heard aunt Donna has cancer. Did she die yet? Last I heard she had a few months left to live… and that was a few months ago. I’m sorry mom. even though you left me I have to believe you tried your best with the tools you had available to you at the time. I still love you and I miss you. I hope one day you get to meet your nephew. He is sleeping next to me as I write this to you. Please know that I have no hate in my heart for you. I wish you the best and I hope to see you again.

But things change so quickly and I’m sure we are strangers to each other by now. I’m sorry that’s the way it’s turned out. I wonder if you’ll ever read this or if I’ll have the nerve to say any of it out loud.

Goodbye for now.

Not lost yet

You act as though you have already lost him

And maybe at times it felt like you had

But if he’s still the one you say goodnight too

Could it really be that bad?

It’s still broken

it’s as if you broke it yesterday

and there is no way out of feeling

my heart still doesn’t beat the same

but maybe someday it will begin healing

The next one

I’ll shut my eyes

and pretend he’s you

But his hands can never touch me

They way yours do

Clear

You will wish that you could clear him from your mind

But something will always drag you back

To the long nights spent in the car

Full of laughter

And the terrible fights

The way he traced his fingers up and down your back

And the night you held him as he cried

It will all come back as harsh as if it happened yesterday

Memories don’t fade

They might fall away for a day or a week maybe years

But you will always remember him

The first time you touched

The pounding in your heart then will be the same as now

You haven’t changed somehow

He may have broke your heart

And took everything else

But you will still be happy to see him

In that quick rush of memories

You will realize he never left you at all

Because he still lingers in the rise and fall of your every breath

The pounding of your heart and

He will always be a dull ache in your chest

Luke warm

I’m sitting in a luke warm bath

When I realize that

Even as the bruises turn yellow

I will never be able

to wash away the hands that left them

And you will always linger

And i will always know

There is something missing

Mistakes

If you are no good for me

I don’t care to find out what is

Touch

run your fingers down my spine

trace the shapes

draw your imaginary lines

tell me again how easy

i can make you all mine

You are all I see

you thought my eyes were the most

beautiful shade of green you had ever seen

if only I would have told you

that you are all I see