They say that pain helps give life to your creative pursuits,
But what happens when no words will do?
When you can’t quite get down on paper,
The significance of the loss.
When it’s stuck inside of your throat,
But won’t translate to ink?
When you want more than anything to express how it feels,
But you just can’t seem to find the words to explain.
When all it does is ache inside of your chest
And refuses to allow itself to transform
Into anything but this
Heavy weight.
It’s enough to have gone there with you,
Even if we couldn’t stay.
It’s enough to have known you,
And the love you gave.
Some people wait all there lives,
And never know it.
Never see it.
Never taste it.
But we did.
Satsung,
I know you felt it too.
There’s this empty space where you used to be. You were such a huge part of me. And now it’s just empty.
When I drive by coral reef I see our parking spots. The tree we hugged under. The table we always sat at giggling like kids. Doodling on coffee cups.
When I’m headed to work I’m forced to drive past the place we kissed for the first time. I always turn to see if maybe.. just maybe.. your car is parked under those windows we daydreamed about having one day. I told you that would be my reading nook, and we joked that we hoped ours had a better view than the empty parking lot.
But I would have taken an empty parking lot view with you.
When I pull out onto the main road leaving my apartments, I’m face to face with the store. The one where we met. The one where you were my boss, then my best friend, then my soul mate.The one where we both know what happened in the break room (no cameras).
The one I vowed never to go into again. The one that I can no longer look at without a subtle stab of pain. The place that once held, and still does hold, some of the best years of my life. Where I met some of the best people on this planet and yet still can’t bring myself to go back to. That painfully beautiful place that I will never forget.
What losing you feels like now, after the distance of six or so months is a subtle ache. An empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. No matter how good it gets, you would make it better. A forever longing.
A never ending feeling of something missing.
Sometimes I forget,
That I have to let myself grieve.
Who knew all of this empty
Could take up so much space?
I didn’t just lose you.
I lost a piece of
Me.
I’ve never had my heartbroken before the beginning of this year. That’s when it happened to me for the first time. I hate to say this, but I’ve always been the one to do the breaking before this February.
I always felt repulsed with the way people responded to heartbreak.. at least the ones caused by me. I felt like their reaction was uncalled for. To me it felt like they were grieving for an object that they lost, like I was a nice pair of shoes that had been stolen.
I was mistaken.
It’s true what they say, you can’t really understand something until you’ve been through it for yourself. Now I finally understand, and it wasn’t like that at all.
Your grief isn’t selfish. It isn’t uncalled for. It isn’t an inconvenience. You aren’t just upset over the loss of the person.
You are grieving the life you had pictured with them. You are grieving the memories. The jokes only they understood. And all the empty spaces they once filled up.
I’m so disappointed with myself, that it took me this long to understand. To finally have compassion for the heartbroken.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but myself.
This is a weight I needed to carry.
Just sit with the pain,
Allow it to be.
Instead of hiding from it,
Pull it into the light so you can see.
Sit down with your pain.
Allow yourself to feel it’s ache,
Push none of it away.
Take this suffering as a teaching,
And you turn it into grace.
They say once you let go,
You can have it.
So I’m letting you go,
Even though every ounce of my soul is screaming..
“NO”
I’ll let you go.
And trust in the flow.
Be in harmony with the universe,
For it knows what we don’t.
It’s sees what we can’t.
It hears what we won’t.
Love cannot be forced,
And even if it could,
Is that the kind of love you’d want?
The kind you’d have to push?
Love cannot be forced,
And true love is in the letting go.
So I let you go,
I let you go so lightly,
Even though I held on so tightly.
I had to let it all go.
Maybe one day,
Years later,
We meet again,
Maybe in a coffee shop,
Maybe just as friends.
Maybe the universe
Has bigger plans.
Maybe we’re just too close,
To see how all of this is supposed to go.
Maybe one day,
We meet again.
But until then,
I’ll have to keep letting you go,
Over and over again.
I feel so lucky
For the time we had together,
Even if our days were numbered.
What a gift it was,
To touch that place,
In love,
With you.
Even if it were only for a second..
I could never regret a second spent with you.
There are many ways to celebrate,
You don’t have to go home,
Or visit with family.
A candle,
Dinner,
A familiar movie,
Opening up gifts with your dog.
Just because your celebration isn’t big..
Doesn’t mean it’s small.
Little Strange Anecdotes 